Daniel Sexsmith: Maker of Sex

Thursday, January 23, 2003

OKAY here are my answers to my "things to ponder" list, I will work on it as the day goes by, so if something doesn't have an answer thats because I haven't answered it yet you assmonkey.

1. Bob Dole, he is from Kansas, enough said.
2. I agree with Kira, it was definitely a french guy.
3. It is a process called "burning the toast" which is actually a euphemism for "murdering toast." It is the ritualistic killing of toast by means of conflagration of the skin (of said toast). It was first practiced in Haiti and quickly found its way state-side where beginning "toasters" don't know how to work the torture switch (the setting switch) and instead of slowly toasting the bread causing immense agony, they just burn it to a crisp. Some sympathetic to the plight of bread purposely set it to the highest setting to give the bread pity and kill it quickly instead of letting it slowly burn to death. go to www.stoptoasttorture.com to sign a petition to stop this brutal act.
4. I also cracked Jimmy's ass in half but they didn't write a song about that.
5. He wanted to be stranded with Mary Ann... well thats what purists of the show say. But the truth of the matter is Gilligan and the professor were gay lovers, and the boat actually sunk during one of their kinky sex games involving a cannon ball and some gun powder...
6. Because it is much more effective to actually grab your crotch and ask where the bathroom is.
7. Uh... I dont have an OB-GYN, but if I did they better leave the room ASAP as IGN so they dont see MC&B's and i won't be forced to OACWA on them in an example of PUR, unless my OB-GYN was a HC, then I would have to MLTHLC, maybe even if my OB-GYN was a GLG that can STM and convince me to do it.
8. Pluto is a pervert. He really can walk, he just prefers to be low to the ground so he can look up skirts. That sick sick bastard.
9. Its not about the destination, its about the journey right? Oh yeah, and because he is fucking badong.
10. Testicals.
11. Babies.
12. No. There is actually a people trap in Canada, built and run by the dreadful Baron Von Kleimheisenhowsersyruplovershlippelkleinervonhasselhoffen, but no one knows about it yet because it is currently still in the testing phase.
13. Because they both suck and are annoying as hell. And in response to Kira's answer: Kids are stupid.
14. Yes, because their alphabet soup is Cheerio's. "oooooo"
15. My dog never got mad at me, your breath must smell like shit.
16. I tried to touch a star once and my penis fell off.
17. uh... oops. I always took the names literally, no wonder why i thought everyone was driving slow.
18. No, but if the mime yells out in pain shoot him again and don't pay him.

there you go!
Thoughts on my answers anyone?

end of the day summary: Great day. Simple eh?

Wednesday, January 22, 2003

Here is a list of some things to ponder:

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

2. Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a
hen's butt looked edible?

3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp which no decent human being would eat?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going
to look at you naked anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs! And they think Goofy is the stupid one!!!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?

12. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

14. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

15. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.

16. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in
the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

17. why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

18. do you need a silencer to shoot a mime?

next post (most likely tomorrow) I will attempt to answer these questions! Feel free to send me your answers to them, just email them to me or something.

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

Some hilarity from dinner tonight:

Tara: I would play golf but it costs an arm and a leg.
Me: Then you wouldn't be able to play golf.

ba dum ching!

Today so far has been interesting... On my way to my computer science lab there was this girl jogging past me with her bike and a jacket around her waist. Well as she is jogging the jacket falls to her ankles and she trips and flies like 3 feet in the air and lands in the grass on her back while her bike proceeds forward and hits another bike that is parked, that bike topples over and knocks down some more bikes, it was, as Fred Durst would say "an awesome example of the Domino Effect, much like the one my new sick ass record is going to create when it is dropped upon the massed haters who don't like bad music." So that made me laugh.

NEXT when I was actually IN the lab, there's this one girl named Silvi who is going to annoy the crap out of me... it isn't her fault though, she just doesn't know how to run a Unix system, and I just happened to sit next to her, so I ended up helping her over half the time... LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME FINISH MY FIBONNACHI SEQUENCE BIZZO! She asked for my phone number after the class but I honestly don't know my phone number yet, sad isn't it? I hope she doesn't think I was avoiding giving my number to her...

Also in that class is probably the most annoying guy alive, I drew a picture of him while I was sitting in my Computer Science Lecture (he is in both my lab and lecture) the picture will be posted at the bottom if this post once I upload it. Here it is:


I think the picture sums him up pretty well. He has a stupid haircut, stupid hands (somehow) an annoying voice/laugh, and thinks he is the complete shit. He was listening to music in class (probably the Star Wars theme song) and playing video games while the professor was talking, what a fuck hat. He also stands up every time he talks and talks really loud AND he hits the keyboard super hard so it makes this really loud clicking sound (louder than usual) and it drowns out the professors voice! SHITHEAD, learn some manner before I take a switch to ya!

On a better note, I sat next to the pretty girl that I noticed the first day of class today. I forgot her name, she told it to me at the very beginning of class... and I forgot already, but I'd feel stupid asking her it again... she's pretty nice AND she's left handed just like me! ooooooo

Megan and Heather recieved the gifts I got them, so far one positive response, lets see how Heather likes hers, and... SHE LIKES IT. okay, i rock, and roll, all of the time, sweet Susie.

Monday, January 20, 2003

No!
NO!
NO!
Devil man!
DEVIL 666 THE MARK OF THE BEAST!
No!
Naughty, naughty jungle of love!

hehe, Half Baked r0x0rz.

Katie: I think I'm just going to get a burger.

WTF! Katie you don't eat burgers you silly girl. BURGERS HAVE COWS!

Sunday, January 19, 2003

Elliott Smith - Needle In The Hay

your hand on his arm
the hay stack charm around your neck
strung out and thin
calling some friend trying to cash some check
he's acting dumb
that's what you've come to expect
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
he's wearing your clothes
head down to toes a reaction to you
you say you know what he did
but you idiot kid
you don't have a clue
sometimes they just get caught in the eye
you're pulling him through
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
now on the bus
nearly touching this dirty retreat
falling out 6th and powell a dead sweat in my teeth
gonna walk walk walk
four more blocks plus the one in my brain
down downstairs to the man
he's gonna make it all OK
i can't beat myself
i can't beat myself
and i don't want to talk
i'm taking the cure so i can be quiet
whenever i want
so leave me alone
you ought to be proud that i'm getting good marks
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay


Bad Astronaut did a good cover of this song by the way.