What I do when I am bored:
Saturday, April 05, 2003
Thursday, April 03, 2003
Cory and I have decided to do something BIG... we've decided to take the next step in our relationship... we've decided we aren't going to half ass it, we are going to go in head first and come out swimmingly! What is it that we are going to do?
Wouldn't you like to know...
Okay, I'll tell you. We plan on going on stage at some open mic night at some comedy place (The Laugh Factory anyone?) and we are going to make people laugh. Five minutes of Cory and Dan improv to make the masses smile! Critics will be amazed and everyone will want a piece of the hot, young duo known as Cory and Dan. Walking down the streets you will hear the people say "That duo, Cory and Dan, SO HOT!" Some might go so far as to call it "comedy magic..." And for you, my blog readers, I will give you a short excerpt from our first performance:
A dark stage, one mic, a spotlight, red curtain backdrop (or a red brick wall... not sure, just something red). The smoke of a thousand candles fills the air... there is a mysterious atmosphere about... but what is it? Could it be... NO IT ISN't!! But oh it is... it is the FUNNAY!
Cory and Dan take the stage like a fish taking to the air. Silence... they look nervous...
a minute passes... silence.
two minutes pass... silence.
five minutes... a member of the audience coughs.
ten minutes... still nothing... the audience is getting antsy.
Then something completely unexpected happens.
Cory pees his pants, the audience busts out laughing... but Cory is in tears!! Dan doesn't know what to do, so he does the first thing that comes to mind and immediately hits Cory in the face with the mic stand. But since that didn't work he begins to look for a paper towel or something so Cory can clean himself up. He see's one on an audience members table and rushes to get it... but he trips over the microphone chord! OH NO! He falls on his face and his nose starts bleeding... the audience doesn't stop laughing.
Cory and Dan, thinking that they couldn't be anymore humiliated than at present, are confronted by 3 huge men, no doubt the bouncers of the comedy club. They are thrown out of the club, bloody nose, pissy pants and all. They get into Cory's jalopy and drive away. They spy a cliff and, seeing that their comedy lives are ruined, decide to go out with a bang. They drive towards the cliff, but there isn't any fear in their eyes... why not? Because they are looking at eachother, hands grasped together on the steering wheel and, in a beautiful moment reminiscent of Thelma and Louise, the car leaps off the cliff... trailed by Cory's handkerchief and the rose that was given to Dan the night before...
Together they fly into the chasm... the chasm that splits their lives, and as they tumble towards the earth a lonely handkerchief and three rose petals dance playfully in the cold wind.
Wouldn't you like to know...
Okay, I'll tell you. We plan on going on stage at some open mic night at some comedy place (The Laugh Factory anyone?) and we are going to make people laugh. Five minutes of Cory and Dan improv to make the masses smile! Critics will be amazed and everyone will want a piece of the hot, young duo known as Cory and Dan. Walking down the streets you will hear the people say "That duo, Cory and Dan, SO HOT!" Some might go so far as to call it "comedy magic..." And for you, my blog readers, I will give you a short excerpt from our first performance:
A dark stage, one mic, a spotlight, red curtain backdrop (or a red brick wall... not sure, just something red). The smoke of a thousand candles fills the air... there is a mysterious atmosphere about... but what is it? Could it be... NO IT ISN't!! But oh it is... it is the FUNNAY!
Cory and Dan take the stage like a fish taking to the air. Silence... they look nervous...
a minute passes... silence.
two minutes pass... silence.
five minutes... a member of the audience coughs.
ten minutes... still nothing... the audience is getting antsy.
Then something completely unexpected happens.
Cory pees his pants, the audience busts out laughing... but Cory is in tears!! Dan doesn't know what to do, so he does the first thing that comes to mind and immediately hits Cory in the face with the mic stand. But since that didn't work he begins to look for a paper towel or something so Cory can clean himself up. He see's one on an audience members table and rushes to get it... but he trips over the microphone chord! OH NO! He falls on his face and his nose starts bleeding... the audience doesn't stop laughing.
Cory and Dan, thinking that they couldn't be anymore humiliated than at present, are confronted by 3 huge men, no doubt the bouncers of the comedy club. They are thrown out of the club, bloody nose, pissy pants and all. They get into Cory's jalopy and drive away. They spy a cliff and, seeing that their comedy lives are ruined, decide to go out with a bang. They drive towards the cliff, but there isn't any fear in their eyes... why not? Because they are looking at eachother, hands grasped together on the steering wheel and, in a beautiful moment reminiscent of Thelma and Louise, the car leaps off the cliff... trailed by Cory's handkerchief and the rose that was given to Dan the night before...
Together they fly into the chasm... the chasm that splits their lives, and as they tumble towards the earth a lonely handkerchief and three rose petals dance playfully in the cold wind.
Whoa... for the first time in who knows how long my fortune cookie was actually a FORTUNE! Here's what it says...
"Love is around the corner."
Hmm...
"Love is around the corner."
Hmm...
Saw this somewhere, don't know where it's from, but I like it:
Out on the wiley, windy moors
We'd roll and fall in green.
You had a temper like my jealousy:
Too hot, too greedy.
How could you leave me,
When I needed to possess you?
I hated you. I loved you, too.
Ooh, it gets dark! It gets lonely,
On the other side from you.
I pine a lot. I find the lot
Falls through without you.
We'd roll and fall in green.
You had a temper like my jealousy:
Too hot, too greedy.
How could you leave me,
When I needed to possess you?
I hated you. I loved you, too.
Ooh, it gets dark! It gets lonely,
On the other side from you.
I pine a lot. I find the lot
Falls through without you.
I was just sitting in my room late at night, all alone with my thoughts (which happens a lot) and I suddenly started thinking about a friend from the past who I miss a lot. Sharon Hays. I doubt any of you that read this (all one of you) know who she is (except Ashley)... But I haven't spoken to her since October of last year, we were supposed to do something over Christmas break, but she was missing and I haven't heard ANYTHING from her since then. If there is an off-chance that you read this Sharon... I MISS YOU and freaking keep in contact more.
On a side note: Why have I been feeling so lonely lately?
uh ohs... my blog is turning into one of those depressing, angsty teen blogs.
On a side note: Why have I been feeling so lonely lately?
uh ohs... my blog is turning into one of those depressing, angsty teen blogs.
Wednesday, April 02, 2003
Stolen from The Onion
Saddam Speech Suspiciously Mentions Nelly Song From Last Summer
LANGLEY, VA—The CIA announced Monday that it suspects Saddam Hussein's latest televised address was pre-recorded, pointing to its suspiciously dated reference to Nelly's "Hot In Herre," a rap hit from the summer of 2002.
Above: In a message believed to be pre-taped, Saddam warns the U.S. about rising heat levels in Iraq.
"For the enemy invaders of Iraq, it soon will get truly hot in here," Hussein said in the speech, which was televised worldwide Monday. "No amount of clothing removal will be sufficient to withstand the fiery inferno that awaits them on the battlefield."
Many U.S. officials have speculated that Saddam may have been killed or injured in the initial March 19 air attacks on Baghdad, suggesting that his subsequent televised speeches were recorded weeks or even months ago.
"The 'hot in here' line has definitely raised some eyebrows," CIA director George Tenet said. "However, this may not prove anything: Even though that song is nine months old, you still hear people referencing its chorus all the time. It's even in the new Chris Rock movie."
Despite the inconclusive nature of the Nelly reference, CIA analysts have found a number of other clues suggesting that the speech was not broadcast live.
"About three minutes into the speech, a man briefly walks across the screen with what appears to be a copy of Entertainment Weekly," Tenet said. "He opens the magazine and, for a split second, it's possible to faintly make out a full-page ad promoting the debut episode of The Rerun Show."
In addition to the visual evidence, Tenet cited certain tellingly dated passages from the speech.
"In one section, Saddam vowed that he would crush Bush 'like Kelly Clarkson crushing the inferior Nikki McKibbin,'" Tenet said. "He then went on to praise his elite Republican Guard, saying that they 'will leave the Americans as bewildered as Ozzy Osbourne trying to operate a television remote control.'"
The Saddam speech, CIA analysts noted, seems intentionally vague, conspicuously lacking in any specific details about the current conflict.
"Victory will soon be ours," a defiant Hussein said. "Unlike the [Major League Baseball] All-Star Game, this will not end in a tie."
Saddam Speech Suspiciously Mentions Nelly Song From Last Summer
LANGLEY, VA—The CIA announced Monday that it suspects Saddam Hussein's latest televised address was pre-recorded, pointing to its suspiciously dated reference to Nelly's "Hot In Herre," a rap hit from the summer of 2002.
Above: In a message believed to be pre-taped, Saddam warns the U.S. about rising heat levels in Iraq.
"For the enemy invaders of Iraq, it soon will get truly hot in here," Hussein said in the speech, which was televised worldwide Monday. "No amount of clothing removal will be sufficient to withstand the fiery inferno that awaits them on the battlefield."
Many U.S. officials have speculated that Saddam may have been killed or injured in the initial March 19 air attacks on Baghdad, suggesting that his subsequent televised speeches were recorded weeks or even months ago.
"The 'hot in here' line has definitely raised some eyebrows," CIA director George Tenet said. "However, this may not prove anything: Even though that song is nine months old, you still hear people referencing its chorus all the time. It's even in the new Chris Rock movie."
Despite the inconclusive nature of the Nelly reference, CIA analysts have found a number of other clues suggesting that the speech was not broadcast live.
"About three minutes into the speech, a man briefly walks across the screen with what appears to be a copy of Entertainment Weekly," Tenet said. "He opens the magazine and, for a split second, it's possible to faintly make out a full-page ad promoting the debut episode of The Rerun Show."
In addition to the visual evidence, Tenet cited certain tellingly dated passages from the speech.
"In one section, Saddam vowed that he would crush Bush 'like Kelly Clarkson crushing the inferior Nikki McKibbin,'" Tenet said. "He then went on to praise his elite Republican Guard, saying that they 'will leave the Americans as bewildered as Ozzy Osbourne trying to operate a television remote control.'"
The Saddam speech, CIA analysts noted, seems intentionally vague, conspicuously lacking in any specific details about the current conflict.
"Victory will soon be ours," a defiant Hussein said. "Unlike the [Major League Baseball] All-Star Game, this will not end in a tie."
Tuesday, April 01, 2003
Linux Developer Gets Laid
Philadelphia, PA - In news that is sure to excite the Linux community, long time Linux developer Todd Stanton got laid.
"I still have trouble believing it myself," said Todd. "I was doing some coding when my power supply blew. Instead of pulling out the spare like I usually would, I decided to head down to Best Buy to check out the new DVD releases. Nothing new was out, so I bought another copy of 'The Matrix' since the one I had was pretty worn out. Turns out the checkout girl was a Matrix fan too and well one thing led to another."
Word spread rapidly on message boards and on IRC. "It's pretty irresponsible of him and shows his lack of dedication to Linux and the open source movement," said Fred Simpson. "If others try to emulate this behavior then a lot of projects could get derailed."
Others like Gary Wilcox were glad to hear the news, "We're tired of all those Microsoft developers shoving their Win-Ho's in our face. Now we can tell them about Todd. Who's laughing now?"
Some developers are also excited that this may increase their chances of getting lucky, but most are being realistic. Walker Crandall said, "We thought we'd all be doing the hokey-pokey after Bill Fitzsimmons got some during the LinuxWorld Conference in 1999. We were fooling ourselves. Nobody got anything."
This is the third such occurrence for Linux developers since 1991.
Since my future career will deal with computers (most likely) does this mean I'll never get laid... oh noes...
April Fool's Day sucks... but that's probably because I suck at pranks and stuff.
Here is what would happen if I tried to play a prank on:
Megan:
Me: Your shoe's untied.
Her: I'm wearing flip flops.
Me: Oh...
Now Cory:
Me: I hate you.
Him: I know friend.
Me: Oh...
Now Katie:
Me: I had sex with your mother.
Her: Yeah, well I had sex with yours.
Me: Oh...
Now Rudy:
Me: You are damn sexy Rudy, let's have sex.
Him: Okay. *takes off pants*
Me: Oh... no...
Now Kira:
Me: I'm an odd.
Her: No you aren't.
Me: April Fo... oh...
Now Cadie:
Me: I hate the Smashing Pumpkins
Her: ....
Me: I'M SORRY!! APRIL FOOLS!! HEY COME BACK!
I think you get the idea. and if you want to know what kind of prank I would pull on your... just ask and I'll post it here.
Here is what would happen if I tried to play a prank on:
Megan:
Me: Your shoe's untied.
Her: I'm wearing flip flops.
Me: Oh...
Now Cory:
Me: I hate you.
Him: I know friend.
Me: Oh...
Now Katie:
Me: I had sex with your mother.
Her: Yeah, well I had sex with yours.
Me: Oh...
Now Rudy:
Me: You are damn sexy Rudy, let's have sex.
Him: Okay. *takes off pants*
Me: Oh... no...
Now Kira:
Me: I'm an odd.
Her: No you aren't.
Me: April Fo... oh...
Now Cadie:
Me: I hate the Smashing Pumpkins
Her: ....
Me: I'M SORRY!! APRIL FOOLS!! HEY COME BACK!
I think you get the idea. and if you want to know what kind of prank I would pull on your... just ask and I'll post it here.
Monday, March 31, 2003
From The Onion
WASHINGTON, DC—Frustrated with the United Nations' "consistent, blatant regard for the will of its 188 member nations," the U.S. announced Monday the formation of its own international governing body, the U.S.U.N.
"The U.N. has repeatedly demonstrated an inability to act decisively in carrying out actions the U.S. government deems necessary," U.S.U.N. Secretary General Colin Powell said. "Every time we tried to get something accomplished, it inevitably got bogged down in procedural policies, bureaucratic formalities, and Security Council votes."
"I predict the U.S.U.N. will be extremely influential in world politics in the coming decades," Powell continued. "In fact, you can count on it."
The new organization will be based in Houston, where a $400 million U.S.U.N. Building is currently under construction. The U.S.U.N. Charter, ratified unanimously by delegates in a four-minute vote Monday, sets forth the mission of the organization as "the proliferation of peace and international economic, social, and humanitarian progress through deference to the U.S."
"The U.S.U.N. resembles the original in almost every way, right down to all the flags outside our headquarters," said Condoleezza Rice, a U.S. delegate to the U.S.U.N. "This organization will carry out peacekeeping missions all over the world, but, unlike the U.N., these missions will not be compromised by the threat of opposition by lesser nations."
In its first act, the U.S.U.N. Security Council unanimously backed a resolution to liberate Iraq's people and natural resources from the rule of Saddam Hussein.
"We gave the old U.N. a go for I don't know how many years, but it just wasn't working," said Dick Cheney, a U.S. delegate to the U.S.U.N. "Really, I have no idea what we were doing sacrificing all that power and autonomy in exchange for a couple of lousy troops from New Zealand."
Added Cheney: "I can't tell you how much easier it is to achieve consensus when you don't have to worry about dissent."
Cheney, along with Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Tom Ridge, and George W. Bush, make up the five permanent members of the 15-person U.S.U.N. Security Council.
"The five Security Council members have veto power to block U.S.U.N. resolutions for military action," Rumsfeld said. "Not that anyone would, but it's nice to have, nonetheless."
According to Powell, in spite of the fact that delegates hail from every corner of the U.S., General Assembly meetings have been refreshingly free of rancor.
"We've got Bill Frist from Tennessee, Tom DeLay from Texas, and Dennis Hastert from way up in Illinois," U.S.U.N. delegate Rick Santorum said. "Despite the diverse backgrounds of the delegates, cooperation has not been a problem—unlike at some outmoded, gridlocked international peacekeeping bodies I could name."
The official U.S.U.N. language is English. The official religion is Christianity.
U.S Forms Own U.N
WASHINGTON, DC—Frustrated with the United Nations' "consistent, blatant regard for the will of its 188 member nations," the U.S. announced Monday the formation of its own international governing body, the U.S.U.N.
"The U.N. has repeatedly demonstrated an inability to act decisively in carrying out actions the U.S. government deems necessary," U.S.U.N. Secretary General Colin Powell said. "Every time we tried to get something accomplished, it inevitably got bogged down in procedural policies, bureaucratic formalities, and Security Council votes."
"I predict the U.S.U.N. will be extremely influential in world politics in the coming decades," Powell continued. "In fact, you can count on it."
The new organization will be based in Houston, where a $400 million U.S.U.N. Building is currently under construction. The U.S.U.N. Charter, ratified unanimously by delegates in a four-minute vote Monday, sets forth the mission of the organization as "the proliferation of peace and international economic, social, and humanitarian progress through deference to the U.S."
"The U.S.U.N. resembles the original in almost every way, right down to all the flags outside our headquarters," said Condoleezza Rice, a U.S. delegate to the U.S.U.N. "This organization will carry out peacekeeping missions all over the world, but, unlike the U.N., these missions will not be compromised by the threat of opposition by lesser nations."
In its first act, the U.S.U.N. Security Council unanimously backed a resolution to liberate Iraq's people and natural resources from the rule of Saddam Hussein.
"We gave the old U.N. a go for I don't know how many years, but it just wasn't working," said Dick Cheney, a U.S. delegate to the U.S.U.N. "Really, I have no idea what we were doing sacrificing all that power and autonomy in exchange for a couple of lousy troops from New Zealand."
Added Cheney: "I can't tell you how much easier it is to achieve consensus when you don't have to worry about dissent."
Cheney, along with Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Tom Ridge, and George W. Bush, make up the five permanent members of the 15-person U.S.U.N. Security Council.
"The five Security Council members have veto power to block U.S.U.N. resolutions for military action," Rumsfeld said. "Not that anyone would, but it's nice to have, nonetheless."
According to Powell, in spite of the fact that delegates hail from every corner of the U.S., General Assembly meetings have been refreshingly free of rancor.
"We've got Bill Frist from Tennessee, Tom DeLay from Texas, and Dennis Hastert from way up in Illinois," U.S.U.N. delegate Rick Santorum said. "Despite the diverse backgrounds of the delegates, cooperation has not been a problem—unlike at some outmoded, gridlocked international peacekeeping bodies I could name."
The official U.S.U.N. language is English. The official religion is Christianity.
