Your powers combined, I am...
The shittiest show ever!
In my late night adventures I often find that the TV is tuned to Cartoon Network. Around 5:30 AM on Cartoon Network Captain Planet airs. I never watched the show when I was little, but I had definitely heard about it and it was all the rage with the younger kids. Actually, I don't think it was ever a "rage" or even a "smash."
For those of you that have no idea what the show is about, I'll give you a quick rundown. Five kids, called the Planeteers, run around the globe thwarting people who wish to harm the Earth. Each kid has a ring that bestows upon them a unique Earthly power. The five powers are: earth, wind, water, fire and heart. Each kid has the ability to manipulate whatever is related to their power. Earth can manipulate mud and rocks, wind can create tornados and strong gusts of wind, fire can shoot fire and burn stuff, water can create water, waves and all the like while heart can... uh... he has a pet monkey. When the Planeteers run into a situation they cannot handle they combine their powers and summon Captain Planet! Captain Planet is pretty much all five powers combined times ten. He can whup ass and he looks stylish while doing it in his super tight form fitting red suit, green hair and blue skin.
It sounds like a pretty good show, doesn't it? WRONG! I'll lay out a typical episode for you:
Step 1: Planeteers are learning about the environment.
Step 2: Planeteers see bad guy and either eavesdrop on them to learn their devious plans or get into a direct conflict with them.
Step 3: If no conflict in step 2, it will happen here after the eavesdropping. If conflict is too difficult (which it invariably is) the Planeteers will summon Captain Planet.
Step 4: Captain Planet saves the day but some problems still remain.
Step 5: Planeteers find out what problem is, confront it. Can't deal with it,
Step 6: They summon Captain Planet again and all is saved!
Step 7: Cheesy message. These messages have good intentions but are so lame they make me want to litter.
I just laid out ALL of the Captain Planet episodes for you in seven steps. Combine a repetetive story line with sub-par animation and horrible voice acting and you've got a recipe for trash. The kids whine and complain as they encounter a problem that a regular person with any common sense could handle.
"Oh no guy with lame heart powers and monkey pet! This little tree is on fire!"
"Dont worry, girl with wind power. I'll tell my monkey to pee on it. OH NO he doesn't have to pee, what will I do?"
"Hello, I am girl with water power. I will give your monkey water to drink to fill his bladder."
"He's not thirsy either! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"I, fire dude, will solve this. I'll burn down this big tree over here and, as it falls, it will generate enough wind to put out the fire on this little tree!"
"YEA!"
"Uh oh, the forest is on fire. Let our powers combine!"
*begin cheesy Captain Planet summoning sequence*
This is where Captain Planet comes in. He's rather metrosexual. Well groomed, wears make-up and always has a sassy remark to make. Too bad his one liners are the WORST part of the show. They are always awkward and they try to be funny... at least I hope they try to be funny because the only thing they ellicit out of me is a little giggle fart. You know, the kind of giggle you emit when someone punches you in the stomach. Here is what happens once Captain Planet shows up. Continuing the previous scenario:
"Your powers combined, I am CAPTAIN PLANET!"
"Captain, the forest is on fire."
"Looks like these trees don't know how to... *awkward pause* leave?"
*captain planet created a tornado that shoots fire and throws water all over the place while radiating some special heart rays that make all the animals in the forest collectively spit on the fire*
"Good job Captain! You did it!"
"No problem. Remember kids, trees don't know when to... leave?"
"I've gotta go now. The power is yours!"
*Captain Planet leaves, the kids get their powers back*
*End show*
All of these elements combine to create a cornucopia of crap that can only be digested at 5:30 in the morning when you are too apathetic and lazy to change the channel. I watch it pretty much EVERY morning but only because I have the internet to occupy me while it drones on in the background. It's a horrible show and it should have never been made.
The show is EASILY topped by Rescue Heroes, which airs right after it. Here are the opening theme's lyrics:
Rescue heroes! Rescue Heroes! Rescue heroes!
They take danger down to zero!
Rescue heroes! Rescue Heroes! Rescue heroes!
and that's all I remember...
and I want you to remember: The power is YOURS to change the channel and get crappy shows off of your television screen.
