Story Time

I see a scary trend happening within the world of movies. Something that, if not reversed, will be the end of the film industry itself. Ok, I exaggerated there, as stupid people (of which there are many) will always pay to see stupid films (Little Man and Snakes on a Plane are prime examples). You're probably wondering what the "trend" that I see is. I'm not going to tell you. Nope, it's my secret.

Ok, fine. here it is: NEW MOVIES SUCK.

That's it. The majority of movies being released this year lack innovation and originality. I think we've finally reached the saturation point. The point in time when so many stories are being told that they have caught up to the supposedly limitless human imagination. It is said that there are only a few basic story archetypes and every story ever written derives from at least one of those archetypes. Two examples of these archetypes are "The Journey" which is best epitomized by "The Odyssey" and... well that's about it. Every story is a journey of some sort. WAY TO ALLOW ROOM FOR CREATIVITY, ORIGINAL STORY WRITING PEOPLE.

Well, that's the problem right there! We have been limiting ourselves from the beginning by even setting up base stories which all other stories spawn from! There has been a constraint placed upon storytelling from its very genesis. We must throw off the shackles of these archetypes and create brand new, exciting, amazing stories!

I suggest a story which doesn't fit into any archetype!

A journey? Forget that! My story is about a guy that just sits around and doesn't even go anywhere!

Conflict? Pfft, who needs conflict when you can just sleep all day? NEXT!

Protagonists and antagonists? I want to create a completely unsympathetic character for which the reader/watcher will feel NOTHING for.

Resolution? Without a conflict there is no problem that needs to be solved so no resolution is necessary. Which ties in with the non-journey and sleep!

With this in mind, I present to you my new story, which I call an "anti-story". The "anti-story" generally has a narrator who is completely apathetic to anything and everything he or she sees (think God but without all that new age "love for all" crap). Without further ado, here is my story:

A Non-story of a Person who may or may not be good or evil.

This is the story of a man named Frank. However, it's not so much a story as it is a thing I'm just telling you and Frank may or may not really be named Frank, but since I don't know Frank and I don't really care to know Frank, he shall be called Frank for the sake of simplicity. I don't know if he's a good person or a bad person, but he exists and that is good enough for me. Or is it bad enough for me? I just don't know sometimes.

Back to Frank. Frank is sitting on his couch. It might be a loveseat but I don't really feel like counting the cushions or measuring the length to make the distinction between couch and loveseat. It's just a ridiculous distinction to make anyway, both of them have cushions and a place to put your ass. Which is just what Frank is doing. Putting his ass on the cushion holding wooden frame that is either a loveseat or a couch.

One would expect Frank to have a job, as that is the norm for an average 25 year old American male. I assume he is 25 because he has a shirt that says "I was born in 1981" and since we are in the latter half of 2006, it is safe to assume that he has had his birthday. But I guess Frank doesn't have a job. He seems like a rather apathetic fellow, but that is to be neither praised nor looked down upon, for we know not the reason for his apathy.

Frank has a bag of chips. The chips are in the typical shape of chips, except they get bite marks in them when Frank takes a bite. He doesn't eat the whole chip at once, he's a nibbler, perhaps the chip eating is more enjoyable to him this way. I would not know, as I don't eat chips. After Frank eats his chips he falls asleep on his couch for about four hours.

End of chapter 1. Riveting story, isn't it? If you read that all, I must commend you as I almost fell asleep writing it. However, in the midst of writing that amazing story I realized something: It's been done before. DAMN YOU HEMINGWAY!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, movies. They suck. I haven't felt like going to the movie theaters in a long time, though people do drag me along from time to time.

Am I just jaded or are movies really getting worse?