Spongebob Squarepants Sued for Misrepresentation of Shape
Beloved children’s cartoon character, Spongebob Squarepants, has been sued by Square for misrepresentation. When reached for comment, Square explained, “Rectangles are not squares, nor will they ever be squares. Squares, however, are both rectangles and squares and it’s clear that Spongebob’s pants are jealous of our ability to go both ways. The pants obviously intend to skew conventional norms and create a state of geometric anarchy. I am just trying to maintain that which has made our wonderful society the way it is today.”
In defense, Spongebob’s pants (henceforth referred to as “Pants”) claim they in no way meant to upset societal norms and that Square’s vehement insistence that rectangular pants can never be square shows a “distinct lack of compassion for Pants’s plight and is a blatant act of shapeism.”
The two sides are at odds. Pants is the only one who has made any effort to compromise on the issue, pleading to square: “If you add up the degree measurements of all my angles, does it not equal three hundred and sixty degrees?” Square ignored Pants’s suggestion that Spongebob Squarepants be renamed Spongebob 360ºpants on the basis that it would be a “grave injustice to circles everywhere” and that he would not settle for anything less than the removal of Spongebob’s pants. Censors took issue with this notion, feeling it would be inappropriate for the viewership. Square reminded them that Spongebob is a “sponge and [he] doesn’t even have genitalia,” a reminder which was duly noted by the censors.
Some critics of this case believe that Square has some hidden agenda for pursuing legal action. In an interview with Square’s close friend, Shirt, we learned some interesting news. Shirt told us that Square was trying to get her to sue Spongebob’s shirt for misrepresentation of shirts by point out that “[Spongebob’s] shirt doesn’t even go past his waist yet he has sleeves? Un-fucking-believable! You should sue! Get his shirt taken off the air for showing impressionable little kids such lies.” Shirt then informed us that Square has naked Spongebob toys hidden in his closet that no one is supposed to know about. When asked how she came upon such information she told us she was looking for “pants that matched [her]” in Square’s closet. In the last moments of our interview she told us that she felt like Square just “wants to sue Spongebob’s pants off.”
Square, when confronted with such a suggestion, guffawed and replied, “I’m an American, I don’t need a reason to sue.”
